John F Kennedy once said, “We do these things not because they are easy but because they are hard.” He could have been talking about funerals. There’s only one attendee who gets a free ride. For the rest of us, on either side of the lectern, it’s a hard road. So making the choice of employing the skills of a non-religious Funeral Celebrant is a tricky one but will fall to someone – or a family during one of life’s awful moments.
Technically, the funeral celebrant is an ‘Officiant’ and you might hear the Funeral Director refer to them in that way. But we want to celebrate a life so let’s stick with Celebrant.
Pleasing All The People
Some family members may jar at the term non-religious too; ten people in a room will have ten different views on belief or faith. The pious and practicing may feel there’ll be nothing in the service for them but I can tell you they always leave pleased with what has come to pass. The service really isn’t about them after all.
So don’t worry, Celebrancy isn’t a Godless wasteland bereft of all ‘real’ belief and it certainly won’t be a collision of twee poems and cliched memes either – unless that’s what our loved one really wanted of course! No, it will be an empathic, tailored tribute, constructed from the contributions of those who knew them best.
Key Choice
Key to choosing a celebrant and creating a ceremony that truly reflects the individual who has just left us, is that it also reflects their beliefs – in life and death – or not as the case maybe.
If you’re in the position of having to make the call on whether to use a Celebrant and you really have no clue what the dearly departed would have wanted – then you’ve probably got your answer. If they expressed no clear denomination or view in life then it’s likely they’d be happy with their friends and family deciding on thirty to forty minutes of words, music and images that celebrate just what they stood for.
Gathering for Information Gathering
You’d think a Celebrant would only be as good as the information they are given but that’s really not the case. To be honest, sitting for a half hour with a grieving family or family member might seem an unproductive place for inspiration – but you’d be wrong and you’d be truly surprised.
Crucially, you’re not seeing these folk at their worst – just in a place they’d give anything not to be in. But in those moments of deep despair, they are all abstracted from the minutiae of daily life. Hence, they are often at their most thoughtful and creative – ideas for the service can suddenly emerge from nuggets of memories that get triggered in that moment. These gems can be woven by the celebrant into a wonderful, respectful and representative image of the person’s life.
Untold Stories, Told
You may get told an inspiring story of unsung bravery from decades before. Or of loyal tenacity that saw a family through times of hardship. Or you may laugh out loud together when someone explains why their nickname was ‘Golden Tits’. Sometimes one sentence from a ten-year-old just as you’re leaving the house will be the glue that sticks a service together. Something that bonds a congregation of family, friends, work colleagues, club members and neighbours. Many of whom will have never met. And that bond – that connection – is formed from what they all recognise in the person they have just lost.
Music: The Food of Life
Music choices are also fundamental to the mood of the service. It’s a big ‘tell’ about the much missed personality and gives the Celebrant a great clue as how to connect the chosen tunes. In the end, there may be many more tracks suggested and rejected but the knowledge of those is all grist to the mill.
So don’t be afraid to find a local Celebrant. If it feels right, it will be. Funeral Directors will always point you to their reliable regulars or just have a search yourself. Or if there’s a memorable service you attended – call that relative or friend and ask – and speak of their loved one lost. Believe me, people are always pleased to know their loved ones are still in other folks’ minds. And that starts with an unforgettable service.
John Griffiths-Colby runs Astolat Celebrant and is also a Public Speaker and Blogger based in the South East of England. He provided the Working Crunch column to the New Statesman magazine and the TaleEnder travel and lifestyle column to the much-missed Italian. Bike motorcycle magazine. These days you’ll find him on his feet as a Celebrant and providing insightful, informative and thought-provoking talks to various interest groups across the South East – on topics ranging from local and world history events to trends in fashion and marketing.
